Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize