I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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