is your mom at the bar?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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