I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
