worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
