im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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