We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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