JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize