He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize