i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
