oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
