the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
