if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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