I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
