My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
