In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
