my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
