My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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