I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize