Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
