Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
