Please, let me fuck your mom
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize