who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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