Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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