Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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