i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
