Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
