One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
