why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
