In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
