I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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