Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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