hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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