i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I faked an abortion last night.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
