Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
