If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
