Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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