A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
