I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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