i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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