My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you didnt know i had herpes?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize