i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize