Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
