I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
