Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
