I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
