You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
