This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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