Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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