we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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