No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize