umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize