well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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