He disabled his match.com account in front of me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize