just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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