he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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