In America we eat man semen.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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