You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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