I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
