apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
