Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
